With my soul have I desired thee in the night; yea, with my spirit within me will I seek thee early. (Isaiah 26:9)
A perhaps unusual question to ask a Christian is: Do you desire Jesus? Do you actively want Him? Let us consider this. So many of us live with unclarified commitments, unclear wants, ambiguous inclinations, divided desires, and vague aspirations. As if only passively inclined, we may daily pray, “Lord, have mercy,” but do we actually want either Him or His mercy?
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1)
Desire organizes the soul, puts in a shape, and gives it a direction, so to speak, relative to the desire. Yet, the question of what we desire as it relates to Christ is often unexamined and undeveloped. We are Christian, but do we hunger and thirst for Christ? It could even surprise some people to consider whether or not they want Jesus, His mercy, His peace, His Wisdom, His Truth, His Light, or His Life. Perhaps the question has never occurred to many of us. A person may live with the persistent assumption that they are Christian and yet, when it comes down to it, there may be no persistent desire for Christ.
I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. (Psalm 143:6)
As Christ teaches, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Mat 6:21). Referring to desire, this presents a point of self-examination. Not blandly true, the necessary and dynamic interrelation between heart and desire is existentially inexorable. It is a present and active principle of human nature, and by it we discover where our heart is, that is, when we identify what we are treasuring. In other words, what we linger on in thought and emotion is the barometer for where our heart is and has been placed, and what our soul is aiming towards.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. (Matthew 5:6)
Christ Himself teaches us to desire God’s Kingdom and righteousness: “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness” (Mat 6:33). He is saying to seek this first, and principally, but so many of us do not find within ourselves this desire. The question then becomes, if you do not desire Christ, are you yet a Christian? This question points to the relationship between conversion and desire, because conversion necessarily includes a conversion of desire, a conversion of wants, aims, and intentions. As St. Innocent of Alaska teaches: “Only those who desire to do so enter the kingdom of heaven” (Indication of the Way into the Kingdom of Heaven, (Jordanville, NY: Holy Trinity, 2013), 19). Do you, then, desire the things of God? For, “whoever does not wish to approach, but neglects to do so, does not love Jesus Christ and will not receive the Holy Spirit, and, consequently, he will not enter the kingdom of heaven” (Indication of the Way, 67). In a sense, conversion is at its root the conversion of desire, and so desire becomes a paramount issue when discussing salvation.
My soul breaketh for the longing that it hath unto thy judgments at all times. (Psalm 119:20)
Again, it must be stressed that this is not a generic, insipid, milquetoast, wishy-washy desire. It is vital and energetic; it is a matter of life and death, of being and of self-knowledge. Christ calls, even commands, us to repent, to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, which implies a renewing of one’s desires: “Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3) In other words, as St. Innocent states of Christ, that “He does not want to have as His disciples those who are unwilling or those who have no special desire to follow Him,” (Indication of the Way, 19). Speaking as to Christians, then, can you honestly say that you are wanting and willing to follow Jesus? Do you want and desire to be cleansed of sin? Do you feel the need for His mercy? An honest look at one’s emotions is like looking into a mirror: one may not like what they see, and it may not feel very pleasant, but in looking one may see and feel the actual, and not merely abstract, need to repent.
My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the LORD: my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God. (Psalm 84:2)
This conversion of desire is the objective, factual activity of the Holy Spirit when He is present. The Holy Spirit, when He comes, convicts of sin (John 16:8). The fruit of the Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The very next verse, however, is key to the current discussion, for it states: “And they that are of Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with the passions and the lusts thereof.” In other words, the desires of the old life have been crucified, rendered inoperable, even dead, which is the essence of baptism, but “how many Christians or, rather, how many people baptized in the name of Jesus Christ have perished and are perishing only because they have and had no desire to turn their attention to the foundations of our Orthodox faith” (Indication of the Way, 21). Although it is a longer quote, it is worthwhile to read slowly and carefully what St. Paul teaches:
“Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; for he who has died is freed from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, is never to die again; death no longer is master over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus” (Romans 6:3-11).Death to the old self, together with its desires, is therefore a necessary part of life in Jesus: “You are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him” (Romans 8:9), therefore, “as far as you can, struggle and ask for God’s help. And the Holy Spirit, seeing your sincere desire, will dwell in you and help you” (Indication of the Way, 64).
We wish to see Jesus. (John 12:21)
A cross is an instrument of execution, and so to crucify the old passions and lusts is to put them to death. Therefore, the lack of conviction for sin, presence of the fruit of the Spirit, or of crucified passions and lusts, points to an absence of the Holy Spirit, and “a man who has not got the Holy Spirit… is always more or less a slave and worshiper of the world” (Indication of the Way, 48). One cannot both have the Holy Spirit and be absent of the effects of His presence and activity, and as St. Innocent states, “without the help and assistance of the Holy Spirit, it is impossible not only to enter the kingdom of heaven but even to take a single step toward it” (Indication of the Way, 51). Another longish quote, it is yet vital to understanding the vital relationship between conversion and desire, and the great need for it:
“For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh-- for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God” (Romans 8:6-14).
You are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life. (John 5:40)
One cannot entrust oneself to Christ, which is to say have faith and believe in Him, to lovingly conform oneself to, carefully imitate, and follow Him, if one has no desire for Him, and so, “first of all you need to have a special desire and resolve to do so” (Indication of the Way, 20). St. Innocent declares, “Woe to the man who is listless and who has no desire to awake from such a sleep” (Indication of the Way, 49). Salvation involves far more than the mere speculative assent to the truth about God, for “without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6). Faith is an actual entrusting of oneself to Him, which implies a turn of heart and mind, desire and thought, life and worldview, but without a desire for Christ it is all for naught, and so “if you have not this desire, fall at the feet of our Savior Jesus Christ and with fervent prayer implore Him to give it to you” (Indication of the Way, 22).
Then will I go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy: yea, upon the harp will I praise thee, O God my God. (Psalm 43:4)
