Following upon the previous article discussing the Gospel and self-acceptance, perhaps the best way to answer the question regarding the manner in which the delusive false self develops might be by giving a few examples, although naturally they will have to be very simple and merely indicative. For instance, say someone as a young child was laughed at and teased a lot, and from those days “learned” either to fight back or to withdraw. This withdrawal, say, rooted in an anxiety about what others might think, say, or do, makes it seem easier and safer to stay away, and so one develops into an introvert. In this way fear of ridicule subtly influences very many decisions and becomes part of one's “personality.” On the other hand, say one “pushed back” against the teasing, and “learned” to use counter-aggression to deal with life, and as a result became extroverted, but also used laughing at others in order to feel “in control” of a situation. These, though very simplified, can point to the type of phenomenon of the projected self. Are they “really” introverts or “really” extroverts, or are these the inheritance of fallen Adam grown in the soil of our experiences and reactions to the fallen human world? Clearly they are not original to human nature as created by God, much less are they motives of the kingdom of God dwelling within the heart, for its motive is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.
Another example might be an emotionally intense parent whose reactions are frightening. As a child one “learned” that if one was hyper vigilant at being “perfect” that it would reduce the intensity of the parent's emotional responses, and so from then on the personality develops and is uncomfortable around others who have intense emotions, becomes introverted as a consequence, and is excessively fastidious and perfectionist, always fearing that someone will be excessively displeased with any imperfection. Or, on the other hand, perhaps the child learned to act humorously in order to “distract” or “make” the intense parent “happy.” Thus they become extroverted, and at emotionally difficult moments become humorous, avoiding serious encounters with levity, but always remaining at the surface levels. These are not “really” who they are, but how they've become as a fallen response to life.
Or, maybe they become a “spiritual” version of the above, subtly seeking to control situations by acting “peaceful” and “helpful.” Often these become pastors, chaplains, psychologists, doctors, nurses, etc., all the while thinking they are “only” helping, not realizing that the helpfulness and spirituality are a reactive mechanism trying to control situations and mitigate anxiety. Or maybe they use spirituality, peace, and helping in order to not care, because caring is too risky. For example, if they stopped helping and started listening they may not like what they hear, and so stay “helpful” in order to “keep busy.” Or maybe they were praised for being smart, told that's how to “succeed in the world,” and so use their intelligence for advancement, praise, and ambition, all the while chalking it up to natural intelligence, when really they have an unclean spirit of superiority. Or maybe they were called stupid, and so chose to refuse opportunities out of shame, and did poorly at school, ran with people of a similar profile, partied instead of studying because that stuff “doesn't matter anyway,” and took menial work out of a sense of never being “enough” for anything that might require more concentration.
Obviously examples could be multiplied, but hopefully it shows how a projected self can emerge and develop. But there is also a false wisdom that can come to play here. For example, maybe one is called weird, and so always feels out of place, and became introverted, made friends with people who have similar profiles, liked the same music, wore the same clothes, but one day they think they are just going to “accept” it, and start dying their hair, getting tattoos, and falling deeply into other behaviors in order to “embrace” their “weirdness,” their “uniqueness,” when really that uniqueness was just a reaction to environmental stressors that became embedded in the person's fallen responses to a fallen world, i.e. a projected personality. In an attempt to deal with guilt and shame they dig their heels deeper into the false projection, to no lasting or profundity of peace. They get “touchy” when this identity is challenged, and add new layers of false development to a false personality. Thus there is an acceptance of a false self, an acceptance that poses as wisdom, tolerance, or broad-mindedness, but really doesn't accept anything real, like piling up mounds of Fool’s Gold.
With that being said, it is important to understand not only how the false self develops, but also how it is to be deconstructed. The problem is that we are grading our own papers, using tests we've composed and grading scales we've subtly designed. The method includes that we have to learn how and why it is essential to quiet down enough to listen and to understand that God assigns our grade, our value, with the value of Christ. This understanding is key, but it is not just a matter of intellectual comprehension. We must quiet ourselves down and become increasingly aware in order to distinguish our self from all of its false constructs and subtle projections. This is the path of stillness and watchfulness, hesychia and nepsis.
Stillness and watchfulness are not an enthusiastic piety or devotional aesthetic, they are a surgery. The stillness creates a space in which the movement of passions can be identified, and watchfulness is that which can distinguish what is other than the passions and projections. These two, stillness and watchfulness, are the medicine which draws out and dissolves all that is false in us. In the posture of faith we learn to rest, allowing Christ to tell us who we are in Him because we are in a space where the noise of the projections is turned down. While there is inner quiet, we don't attach to the quiet, we watch it, and naturally as passions and projections seek to activate, we are in a space which observes them in their clearly lifeless and mechanical operation. We learn to see that most thoughts are just automated noise. This insight allows a distinction between us and them, and reveals our identification with them such that their inherent futility is made obvious, and as such stillness and watchfulness act like a solvent which separates out and dissolves these passions and projections. Seeing the lie clearly initiates an automatic result of rejection and purgation of that lie.
Passions and projections are rooted in lies, lies we learned and keep telling ourselves. With stillness we can notice the very moment at which we start to tell ourselves that lie, the moment it arises, and through this awareness we automatically initiate a process of separation from it and open a space in which the truth of Christ can touch us in a healing way. Therefore stillness and watchfulness are vital to the process of healing, but not only because peacefulness “feels good,” or because we are supposed to “accomplish something.” Stillness and watchfulness are the surgery room, so to speak, in which we identify and excise the false spiritual tumors of the passions and projections. Stillness and watchfulness are the presence and light of Christ which functions to cleanse us, and so this requires not dullness but awakeness to the moments at which the passions and false programs initiate, arise, and emerge so that we can disengage from them and their activity, their energy. The superior power of the Spirit is active in and as stillness, the peace which is the fruit, which is to say the presence and energy, of the Spirit, active in our spirit (nous).
Many think of stillness and watchfulness as an exercise in concentration or devotion. But they are the substance of and space in which an applied science of holiness or separation happens, which is also to say purgation or sanctification. Moreover, stillness is stillness of the passions, not inertia of mind. In stillness the mind is awake, alert, and sensitive. When you are both still and watchful, you will be able to notice what is not still, and the more still and watchful one is, the subtler and subtler the motions of the passions one will be able to sense and so draw into the light. The point therefore is not to reduce stillness and watchfulness into an exercise of concentration and calmness because the point is not simply to concentrate and be calm, but to attend to the depths of one’s being where the spirit of man and the Spirit of God commune. In this place all that we have within us that distracts, projects, and impassions is drawn into the light of that attentiveness so the lie can be dissolved in the light of Christ. Thus the lie that, say, we are never enough will assert itself in a space in which Christ can speak His acceptance to the soul. The energy of His grace meets the energy of the lie and unravels it layer by layer until all becomes light in the soul. Thus the attentive watchfulness, together with stillness, moves into deeper spaces of grace, deeper healing through deeper transformation by touching deeper lies and drawing them out into the light of a deeper Christ which is energizing the stillness and illuminating the watchfulness from within. Through perichoresis, or mutual indwelling, the light of Christ interpenetrates the light of the spirit or nous and so Christ in you, the hope of glory, is discovered to be doing the healing through His indwelling Spirit. Thus we find that the Spirit of God is the ground and substance of our stillness, the being in whom we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:27-28).
In stillness we already taste self-acceptance. The apophatic dimension of personal being is touched here. But it must be stressed that the positive content of Christian doctrine must come in to ensure that stillness doesn't get reframed by the ego in some other way, as in the different forms of monism. Thus the truth of the Word of God as taught in the Church becomes vitally necessary to sow truth into our system, a system which has been fed and raised on deception. Thus we utilize the positive content of orthodox doctrine to give positive shape to our soul. Since our life is hid with Christ in God, it is vital in these places of attentive stillness to recall or keep active the knowledge of God's grace and acceptance and valuation of us in Christ. Then when we return to the activities of life we will have deeply sown and watered seeds of who God says we are, not who we say we are.
It is possible to tell oneself one deserves hell and so remain hopeless, but then try to be peaceful and “okay” with that, and in that way reject God’s giving us the value of His blood. The energy of joy contained in the Gospel is released when we set aside a hopeless peace and let God define us and define what He thinks we deserve. He thought we ought to have the value of His life, so when in stillness we can diminish the noise of the passions we can “hear” what God has been saying all along: “I love you.” In faith and trust we can accept this love, and anchored in this truth from God Himself we can have an internally objective place from which to war against our passions and projections, destroying their strongholds with the truth and love of God rooted in the experience of our souls. Thus acceptance moves from the hypothetical and intellectual level to the experiential heart level.
It is important to remember that the smallest taste, even the desire for stillness, is already the presence of God's wooing of the soul. It is not a God far away that we are trying to get to by being still enough, watchful enough, good enough, etc. God is already in you, and the edge of His presence and approach is experienced as the desire for Him. Your love of Him reflects the same light of His love for you; your want of Him His want of you. Faith is the action you take to draw closer to Him in stillness, and so stillness itself becomes an expression and posture of faith, faith that God is already there, in you, drawing you closer to Him in the depths of your heart where He dwells. In this way you are not “achieving” peace, but manifesting God's already present peace which was already there, and is already there, although it was until then dormant relative to your experience. And God’s peace is all-powerful, and in its light the passions bow their knee; they dissolve in the fire of His peace.
In this way of stillness and watchfulness you discover that you were already loved, always loved, by the God of all grace. The rejection of self was not something real, but was a web of lies, one that concealed God's already and ever present love for you, for while we were yet sinners He died for us, God for the ungodly, so that all His life and all His value could be yours without grudge. He gave and gives it freely and, when the lie is seen through, then the God who has always been there urging you on and calling you through His grace will be recognized in all His sufficiency and provision for your peace and acceptance. You are already accepted in the Beloved, and now it is time simply to taste it and recognize it, soak in it and live it out in your life. That freedom moreover releases all the necessary energy to overcome sin, where holiness appears beautiful. Thus one does not seek to become holy enough to get to God, but receives God and so becomes holy through the fire of His indwelling presence. It is worthwhile to reflect on the order of that operation. Faithful and watchful stillness is an icon of the Gospel, and an engine of sanctification.
Regarding the practical aspect, stillness and watchfulness are both the method and the expression of God’s presence and perfection, for “in returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30:15). These are the how-to. It is as simple as standing or sitting, and attentively connecting the Jesus Prayer with the gentle, natural breath (no need for deep breathing or breathing exercises). The challenge is to spend enough time for the passions to settle down and for the mind to penetrate through the dullness. As you breathe and pray, seek to make the prayer and the breath more gentle (gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit) and smooth, clear and light. The energy or force is applied not through passionate intensity but through calm, diligent perseverance and sensitivity to the prayer and the breath. These are the basics of the practice.
The prayer passes through the space of the mind, and so the prayer also serves as a feedback mechanism for one’s watchfulness. If the mind is jumpy, distracted, wandering, tumultuous, or peaceful, clear, and focused, the prayer will reflect this. Thus the prayer reflects and reveals the present state of the soul. Watchfulness is simply the noticing of this, plus the maintenance of the continued diligence to keep the mind attending to the prayer and the breath. Word and breath go together as Logos and Spirit go together, and as the Spirit bears witness to the Son, so the breath bears witness to the Son when the prayer is joined to the breath. The breath is an icon of the Spirit. Not only does God breathe in Adam's nostrils in order to make him a living being, but Job also says, “the spirit [or breath] of God is in my nostrils” (Job 27:3). The breath is the place where God’s Spirit and man’s spirit meet. It also continuously rehearses the Gospel, dying and rising, emptying and being filled, surrender and grace. Keeping, then, the breath unforced and gentle both symbolically and physically expresses God's presence, grace, and acceptance, and the surrender of self to God. It also creates a space in which tensions increasingly cannot hide and so must surrender in the face of His present peace. Forced breathing emerges from the ego and often conceals hidden tensions, and these hidden tensions conceal passions, and these passions conceal false projections. Letting go of egoic guidance of the breath, however, and presenting its unforced rhythm conscientiously and systematically to God establishes a synergy between His energy and the person's energy, and slowly disables the force of the false projections because they are given zero energy to feed on. In this way you, by the mercies of God, “present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service” (Romans 12:1). Natural, unfeigned breathing also aids watchfulness because the force of the passions distort the breath and make it uneven. Thus any irregularities that present themselves in unforced breathing thereby reveal latent passions to the light of awareness. This light functions to dissolve them. The holy Name of Jesus, then, focuses the mind and maintains its Godward posture and orientation while the breath threads grace in the unity of body, soul, and spirit. Undirected attention not oriented towards God is to be avoided; one must remain “towards Him.” Stillness is thus not merely about being still, but being still in God. We don't just rest, we rest “in Him.”
When insight dawns, it is like scales falling from the eyes, and one sees clearly, as it were, that one is accepted in the Beloved, that God is your loving, holy Father, your Father. You will, moreover, be enabled to truly “reckon yourself dead to sin” (Romans 6:11) because you will be able to see your energy, the energy of your person, as distinct from sin’s energy. A passion will knock on your door, and you will intuitively sense that you have no need to answer, and you will recall that you have been “crucified with Christ” (Galatians 2:20), that your life is not your own, but His, bought at a precious price, and so you are free to not respond to passions and sin, and to remain inert to sin’s draw and passion's allure. The passions that resisted and dulled your sensing of your acceptance in Christ will appear increasingly foreign, and so these passions will die of starvation, for passions feed on the attention they receive. The insight will dawn in a moment when grace appears, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Stillness will enter deeper spaces of real peace, and watchfulness will be fed by the Lord and wisdom will increasingly dawn in your heart. The only remaining question is to set aside the time to follow the path of stillness with watchfulness. Our life is essentially the time we have, and so investing our life means investing our time, and investing our time means investing our life. In this way the truth of who you are already in Christ, your real identity, will manifest in your experience, and you will feel His acceptance in your very bones, by God's grace.
-Fr. Joshua Schooping
